What I find hard at time is to let go of my ego to dissolve myself and to let go, I have to face my fears, guilt, shame, sorrow, lies, illusion. and then maybe… i sure hope my ego will be dissolve.But for now i am trying to tear down my defense. I have to face my fear “this is the blockage of the first Chakra “but what is it i am afraid of ? So let make a list and see.
- Not Finding my place in the world,
I guess this as been a life long fear, I have always felt out of place with friend, family, co-worker I always felt out unwelcome , like I didn’t belong. Making friend was & is easy but keeping them is hard because I have a hard time being fake for the sake of a relationship no one ever censor them self for me why should I? But my presence often disturb the one around me passe judgement or blame to make them feel better and i guess i am not as tough as i thought i was because i can feel it I can here there thought and it truly affect me rather then fighting often i stay aside.
- Being inadequate
That one i don’t know, but it as been a driving force in my life. In hind sight i do know very young my parent got divorce and the separation in it self was not that disturbing but the life that followed was hard for me both my parent invested there energy on there new relationship both trying to fix there broken hart and in the process forgot who i was and tried to shape me in something i was not and I became a problem that had to be fix already at the age of 8 my father had me in a psychologist office and at less 10 followed and as for my mother i was a burden from a different union she had to carry around. And today seem like every action is a good excuse to lecture or point out mistake or just flat out ignore me. So then i started to make my self useful to other so i could feel needed, I always made myself available to other around me to feel love to feel important .but this is not a post about my child hood but my ego & fears but i think i have to look at my past and make peace with it so we will get back to that in a future post
- Most Insect
Most guy’s wont admit it but i will I am so afraid of them that i have to kill them instead instead of just grabbing them and putting outside and let them live “with that affirmation i just figure a lot of the human behavior”
- My Feeling
I can’t express them they use to be a time where i was proud that i could express them but now i feel like i always have to be Strong, in control and over time i built barrier that prevent me from expressing them, Today i am working at it really really hard :p
- ??? im sure there is plenty more and will find them so they cant affect me anymore so to continue…
We have to understand fears, Fears is all about projection of a uncertain future to witch we attach importance to unaccomplished event in any case we work our self up over something that dint happen over our imagination. So i guess i have to learn to let event happen as there are and what is, with out over thinking. Our mind is our greats asset and our deepest flawed. The simple minded don’t rationalize they just experience. We have to live life not necessarily define our existence.
Originally posted 2015-07-28 23:26:32.